Harry Potter and the Growing Pains
by Little C
Summary: Harry and company are back at Hogwarts for another year. Ron and Hermione are to get married, there is a new teacher in Defence Against the Dark Arts and Sirius Black is dead and stuck in an ouija board and as a spell is preformed everything goes wrong...


**Disclaimer:** This is a story written on a whim. It's not supposed to be good. You're not supposed to be in awe by the depth and the strategic plot points and the superbly relayed characters. In fact if you are, we think you are in dire need of a cat scan - and no, don't call the vet! The plot holes were all dug by yours truly. Oh, and by the way Harry Potter and co. is the property of one J.K. Rowling.

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Co-written with Haru Asayake and the title is only temporarily it may change in the future.

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The sun glittered in Hermione's blond hair. For the occasion - hers and Ron's engagement party - she wore a revealing dress that accentuated her voluptuous body. She had really filled out over summer. She was certain that Ron noticed; she was also certain that the fact that she had bleached her hair and got his name tattooed on her rear end had something to do with his proposal. 

That or the fact that she was pregnant. 

Mr. and Mrs. Weasley had not been too thrilled at first, but Sirius had explained everything to them and now they were only angry with him. The thought of becoming a grandmother had of course won Molly over and where she lead her husband followed - he was naturally very intrigued to hear all about Hermione's visits to the prenatal clinic and as Ron was rather out playing Quidditch than listening to her worries she had talked to her future father in law quite a bit during her stays at the Burrow. 

Molly had gone into a knitting frenzy and now had three or fifty baby sweaters in the air at any one time and she sent Errol back and forth every day with new packages brimming with socks and bobble hats. 

Still, Hermione was glad to be back at school. Although the Slytherin girls were calling her all sorts of names behind her back - nothing she wasn't used to - but it was all out of jealousy for her blessed state and sexy new body. 

She was afraid that as a mother to be, she would have to cut back on studying. Maybe even drop a few subjects altogether. She had never thought that she would find something that would take priority over her studies, but the life growing inside her was the greatest miracle she could ever learn. 

She saw Ron standing over by the punchbowl, his hands clasping a mug of punch as if he wanted to crush it. He was decidedly pale looking. She couldn't for the life of her understand why. 

"I've made the biggest mistake of my life!" Ron gasped at Harry in between the gulps of punch. Harry snorted. 

"Remember our second year. The spiders?" Ron turned, if possible, even whiter. "Come on, remember you like Hermione. Or you did during our vacation to Atlantis." Harry nudged him and winked. 

The vacation to Atlantis had been fun. It'd been wet, but fun. They had been supervised by a constantly drunk Sirius who was very depressed about being dead and all, and stuck inside Hermione's magic ouija board. 

Harry wondered briefly how Lupin was doing digging up Sirius body from wherever it might be. But he put the thought aside when the food appeared on the table. 

The house elves had really outdone themselves. They'd been - against Hermione's adamant demands - cooking all through the night. She had, to ease her conscience no doubt, invited them to join the party. So now Dobby was sitting at the Gryffindor table gobbling down pizza - the others had all been appalled at the thought of joining the nice witches and wizards. 

"It was different then... we were so young," said Ron wistfully. 

"It was this summer," said Harry. 

Then he noticed a dark shadow approaching from the corner of his eye and as he turned he saw Malfoy sauntering up to them a smug grin decorating his face and Crabbe and Goyle decorating his flanks. 

"And here I was, thinking you didn't have any balls, Weasley," he drawled and Crabbe and Goyle guffawed. "But now that you've got Hermione preggers, it seems I was wrong. Unless of course Potter assisted..." he let the last hang in the air and Harry felt his face burn with anger. Before he knew it he was reaching for his wand, but before he got his hands on it, there was a tapping of metal on glass and he looked up to see Dumbledore rise to begin a speech. 

"A toast for the happy couple," he said lifting his glass, the whole school raised theirs and for an instance Harry thought he saw Professor McGonagall's eyes mist over. "Well, a few words on the way, marriage is a big deal and since you'll soon be joined by a little bundle of joy I think it only fitting to remind you of the waking nights, nappy changes..." 

He didn't get any further - Ron fainted into the punchbowl. Harry quickly pulled him up before he drowned. Hermione came rushing over. 

"Oh, my poor, ickle Ronniekins!" she wailed and clutched him to her breasts nearly suffocating him. 

"Leggo, 'Mione!" Ron managed to wheeze out. 

"Let you go?!" squealed Hermione and huge tears welled up in her jewel shimmering eyes. "You don't love me!" she stormed out of the hall, sweeping down several goblets on the way. 

"I didn't mean it like that!" Ron tried shouting after her to Malfoy and the rest of the Slytherins' great amusement. 

"...moodswings," Dumbledore continued as if he had never stopped. 

Somewhere in the deepest darkest reaches of Transylvania a werewolf was digging up a dead body. It was the twentieth in as many nights. Lupin knew that eventually all missing dead witches or wizards ended up somewhere in Transylvania. It was common knowledge. In fact the place he had been tearing apart for the last few weeks was called "The Unknown Witches'/Wizards' Graveyard." Of course, being unknown, there weren't exactly nametags on the corpses. 

It was easier to dig now that he was a werewolf though... he had had blisters all over his hands from the shovelling. 

Suddenly he came across two fleshy mounds that he would recognise anywhere. He dug frantically until he had the freed the body from the dirt. Now all he had to do was wait for day-light to be able to apparate the heck out of there, this place was giving him the creeps. Count Dracula had been giving him the eye lately and he really couldn't do that to Sirius... dead or not. 

"'Mione! Wait!" Ron stumbled up the stairs towards his weeping bride to be and they immediately changed direction. "Oh, fuck!" 

"Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?" asked a snippy old madam in an old painting pointedly and Ron blushed beet red. 

He leaned over the railing and called to the puffy eyed, snot-nosed girl on the other side of the void to get her attention. 

"'Mione! It's not that I don't love you! You were just suffocating me with your bloody breasts!" she looked up with a deeply offended expression and ran up to the Gryffindor common room. 

A few of the Gryffindor girls glared daggers at him and hurried after Hermione up the stairs. 

"That went well," said Harry, coming towards him. 

"Shut your bloody trap!" muttered Ron and then blushed as the snippy madam wagged her finger at him. 

"What are you going to do?" 

"I was going to ask you that! You're the one with the brilliant plans!" 

"I'm not the one who got Hermione up the duff," said Harry pretentiously and Ron thought about pushing him down the stairs, it probably wouldn't kill him - nothing killed Harry - but it would make him feel much better. 

"She told me she was on the spell!" he defended himself. 

"You know they're not foolproof," teased Harry - Ron pushed him down the stairs. 

With a bone cracking thud Harry landed at the base of the stairs and Ron flinched. You could see the whites of his eyes where he lay and if you squinted you could almost make out the twittering bluebirds. 

"Nice going, ickle Ronniekins," Malfoy's sleazy voice floated up to him. "Never thought of that, it was almost too easy!" 

"Go hang yourself," moaned Harry, batting away the bluebirds with a weak hand. 

Malfoy looked at him with a smirk. 

"I like you on your back, Harry," he winked at him and then walked off, with Crabbe and Goyle laughing loudly though they obviously hadn't got the point. 

"Mr. Potter, don't you know that littering the school's floors is against the rules? Five points from Gryffindor!" said Snape stepping over him. "You might want to visit the hospital wing, Mr. Potter, you look even more vacant than usual." 

"That answers that question," murmured Harry as Ron helped him stand. 

"What question?" 

"Does Snape wear boxers or briefs?" 

Ron stared blankly at the floor as they walked towards the hospital wing. He wouldn't ask. He simply wouldn't ask! 

"Uh... not that I want to know... but you know, which was it?" he asked. 

"Let's just say that I'll be in therapy for the rest of my life." 

Hermione was in tears. Her beloved pink sweater wouldn't fit. She was devastated as she realised that soon none of her fashionable clothing would fit her and that she would be forced to wear some frumpy old robe. 

She had to get ready for class however and her eyes were all puffy and red thanks to Ronald Weasley! She heard a thumping noise from her trunk. 

"Oh my god! Sirius?" she had forgot to let him out. Of course he was always so rude and unpleasant now that he was dead he really wasn't suited for company and she was afraid he was turning into an alcoholic. 

"A-B-O-U-T F-U-C-K-I-N-G T-I-M-E" Sirius spelled. 

"Sorry, Ron was horrible and..." she blabbered on while dressing in her school robes - which at least hid her rapidly disappearing waist. 

"W-H-Y M-E ?" Sirius's glass moved over the board with a anguished squeak. 

Hermione decided to give him to the boys when she saw them next.

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**TBC**

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End file.
